I am the 1 percent.

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What does that mean?

In the United States 1 in 1000 pregnancies (less than 1 percent) are the pregnancy I had.

Every day women want to conceive and have their own blessings of joy. Women go through so much to sometime see just one line. To just two lines and then the babies gone so quickly or two lines and never a baby.

When you’re a young women growing and maturing people hardly tell you the challenges you will face just being a women.

Women face so many battles. Even just a period can be a huge battle because our bodies are all DIFFERENT.

You read that right! DIFFERENT. Some women may have hardly any symptoms. Some women may have raging hormones. Some women may bleed till it’s almost unhealthy while others just bleed a day. It all depends on your bodies uniqueness.

And you say… what is she talking about? Why is she taking about women’s bodies? Why is she talking about infertility?

Because. I am part of the one percent.

So here is MY story.

My whole life I have absoultly adored babies. Everything about them, the good and the bad. The sweet giggles, the snuggles, the growth, the dirty diapers, the crying and I could just go on.

Why? Because babies are blessings from our maker above. Babies are tiny blessings with a chance to make the world a better place.

2020 was the most LIFE CHANGING year of my life. As it was for MANY people. People lost loved ones, people got really sick and more.

2020 I learned how cruel people could be. I learned how cruel the world could be.

In September 2020 I conceived with what surprised me and my boyfriend. We didn’t know.

I found out I was expecting in October 2020. One weekend I was extremely exhausted. I felt like I could hardly get out of bed. A girl mentioned she felt that way when she found out she was expecting. I was thinking no way. Not me. The Monday after the weekend was the day my period was suppose to start and it hadn’t. I was working night shift, I bought a test and took one before work….

What did I see??? TWO DARKKKKK PINK LINES. So I immediately started panicking but I had to go to work. I couldn’t believe it. I went home on break and took a second test.

What did the second test show..??? TWO DARK PINK LINES. Again panicking and returned to work.

After I woke up from night shift after sleeping some and I took ANOTHER test. I was panicking, we all know you hear taking the test when you wake up with a full bladder is suppose to be accurate (supposedly). Yet again TWO dark pink lines.

What I thought was going to be life changing and I had started planning for, surely was life changing but not in the way you would think this story goes, especially if you didn’t know me.

I started this journey with how would I juggle it all? Working a wild schedule and all. At this time I was working two weeks days and two weeks nights. Working every other weekend long hours. Would I have help? Did I really have good friends that would be there when I couldn’t do it alone? What would my family say? Would they shame me? How would I afford day care? Maternity leave?

But I was so excited to have my little person of my own. I told the people I considered most important to me. People I trusted to be there for me and support me. I told my sister in law, the father, my “best friends” and not many more because of fear of the circumstances. YES, elephant in the room, not married. I sinned.

I started shopping for small things, like the first pacey for keepsake. The first baby book. Things women do out of excitement. I was TERRIFIED but also excited. So many emotions I didn’t know how to think!

Above I put “best friends” in quotation marks. There is a reason for that. I told my best friends I had two lines or people I thought we’re my best friends. I truly found out who my best friends were through this process. Many of my female “best friends” were supportive! They couldn’t wait to meet the baby and help!

I sound like I’m coming with a cliff hanger dont I? YEP. A girl I thought was my best friend? Absoultly NOT. I told her I was pregnant and had to make decisions. She was adamant about getting an abortion. This “friend” told me that she would push me down stairs. I know you’re thinking what the actual heck right? Who the heck says that to someone? They had to be joking right? No, they said it TWICE. What confused me the most is she holds and claims she loves others babies. So, does she just say hateful things like that to me? Fast forward through my time, which was hard and you’ll see more below. She was “too busy”. So busy she had zero clue what was going on with her “friend”. I decided ultimately after this, she was not a friend.

Moving away from the friends and family aspect to the meat of it.

It took one appointment to change everything. One appointment that took everything from me but also saved my life.

You are probably thinking… saved my life? Couldn’t that be a tad dramatic. Sometimes people can be dramatic and I can be of course. Who am i kidding, ALL THE TIME. At this time though? It literally saved my life.

My doctors appointment for my first ultrasound was November 10th, 2020. So I waited awhile, thinking I was going to go into this appointment and walk out with an ultrasound picture and hearing a heart beat.

WRONG.

I went into my ultrasound with my amazing sister in law to be my support. The technician couldn’t find a baby. Something wasn’t right.

I left this area confused. Hurt. Scared. We had so many questions.

I met with my doctor who was also stumped. My levels were “pregnant”. I had “morning sickness”. I had swollen breast. I had cravings.

My doctor said that she wanted to do another blood draw to check my levels. I had a possible pregnancy diagnosis mentioned to me, but my doctor who has been in this field since I was born had never seen this. YES, she helped birth me.

I left the women’s office this day. Broken. Confused. I couldn’t even speak about it.

I cried at Olive Garden over chocolate. We all know the chocolate wasn’t what had me crying, but I cried.

The next day my blood results came back. My HCG levels were through the roof. Over 200,000 through the roof.

I got the call I didn’t want to hear. That no women wants to hear. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in a warm epson salt bath to relieve back pain and stress.

I answered the phone, and it was my doctor on the other end. My doctor gave the news it was confirmed I was diagnosed with an extremely rare pregnancy.

I was told they wanted surgery the next day but couldn’t fit me in. So the day after I was scheduled surgery and had to rush to prep and reach out to the people who needed it. I was told if they had not of caught it when they did I could have hemorrhaged and died. I was told I don’t get to have my baby.

So my surgery was scheduled for Friday November 13th, 2020.

I sat in the bath tub. In shock. Asking God why. Why me? Why our baby?

The rare pregnancy I was diagnosed with was a “Molar pregnancy”. My doctor told me I’m 1 in 20,000.

“A molar pregnancy — also known as hydatidiform mole — is a rare complication of pregnancy characterized by the abnormal growth of trophoblasts, the cells that normally develop into the placenta.

“There are two types of molar pregnancy, complete molar pregnancy and partial molar pregnancy. In a complete molar pregnancy, the placental tissue is abnormal and swollen and appears to form fluid-filled cysts. There’s also no formation of fetal tissue. In a partial molar pregnancy, there may be normal placental tissue along with abnormally forming placental tissue. There may also be formation of a fetus, but the fetus is not able to survive, and is usually miscarried early in the pregnancy.”

If you look up this form of pregnancy, it will tell you 1 in 1000 women are diagnosed with this. Less than 1 percent. AGAIN. My doctor hadn’t seen this in her 20 plus years.

So Friday the 13th roles around… and I’m taken in for surgery. I check in. I sit around for awhile before I’m taken back. When I go back into this hospital area everything went so fast. I couldn’t tell you who anyone was, what they gave me or anything.

After the surgery I started my long recovery. I’ll tell you what I mean about a long recovery!

So of course since I had surgery I had to stay out of work for atleast 2 weeks. Not that long right? Many people take vacations around that long. But to others it seemed an eternity and they couldn’t stand not knowing why. I’ll say, no one knew but select people because of how sensitive this was. While for me it felt too short as I was trying to mentally and physically heal, to others it was a long time.

While I’m trying to pick up my broken pieces and feel like I’m not a failure. A failure at growing my baby and being a mom. A failure at everything. Feeling like God has taken yet another thing from me. I also had to deal with the rumors people spread. Like high school, except I’m not in high school. I haven’t been for over 7 plus years. Of course any time one was told to me they couldn’t “remember” who they heard it from.

I heard that I;

• Quit my job.
• That I was pregnant and had an abortion because they saw me posting about babies when I do all the time every year because I LOVE KIDS.
• That I had emergency surgery on my appendix
• I Was asked where I was, I say home they say I’m lucky and assume it’s vacation.
• I asked if I was in school and claiming something else.

Sitting here typing this fully, besides my draft that I started when all of this was happening makes me be glad I waited so long. I waited for my frustration to settle. My anger.

My advise to anyone is, if someone doesn’t want you to know something MIND YOUR BUSINESS. You don’t know what someone is going through. You don’t know what they’ve lost. You spreading things that aren’t true don’t make someone situation any easier.

So many people wanted to know what my situation was not realizing they needed to stop and think, why I wasn’t telling people. My own family didn’t know my situation. They still don’t other then a few. If they read my blog this may be how they find out.

Because still to this day I haven’t been able to out right say it.

You know what else is hard for women who lose their babies? Watching all these other girls uploading ultrasound pictures, baby bumps and all the baby things. They are all so excited that they get to bring their baby into the world. While we silently looked at the posts and quickly had to scroll past. It made me feel sick, sad, angry but also I was happy for them all. I wanted them to have it because they deserve it.

Through all the things I’ve said I also had the long recovery I mentioned.

I intially had to go to weekly blood draws to check my levels. There was fear that whatever tissues could cause complications. That if my levels didn’t go down to normal I could have been treated as if it was cancer.

I did weekly blood draws, ultrasounds, face to face appointments and such until January 2021.

I then started my 6 months journey. I went once a month for blood draws. Every three months I went for ultrasounds.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I had been stuck by needles, but it was a lot. I became known by certain people from the office as I was in there weekly to monthly.

Every blood draw I hoped that my levels were going down. Hoping that things could return to normal somewhat.

I neared the month of June. You’re thinking, what’s important about June? It would have been “Baby P’s” due date month. It also is my month I would get cleared if my levels went down right.

June 2021 comes around. Im sure many of the people who were making hateful comments and search have forgot by now and aren’t as interested. Me? I’m very still much involved and will be.

GOOD NEWS!!

June 2021 I was cleared. FINALLY!! I was told that it was recommended I wait till September to try to conceive again. The year mark.

Now, I don’t know how life will go. I wasn’t planning the first time this happened. I love babies. I am torn between babies, traveling, traveling with babies.

I also am considered high risk from here out.

So getting to the end of this. If you’re still here. I recommend that you be kind to people. You don’t pry into peoples situations because you don’t know what they are facing. You don’t know the hardships people are going through.

I hope that anyone that reads this that struggles know you’re NOT alone. We are here for eachother. Other women can lift eachother up lovingly and be a shoulder. I will be your shoulder!

Many women share their stories to other women who are struggling so they can know they aren’t alone. Never for sympathy but to show how real this is. How hard it is. I have stood by so many other friends who have lost babies in some form.

I want to say thank you, thank you to;

• My sister in law Jessica, she was my support system. She always will be and vise vera. She went to my appointments and held my hand.
• My best friend Paige. She has always been there for me and my rock. My calm voice and my person for life!!
• My best friend Ivey. She has supported me and loved me through so many chapters. She loved me and our angel.
• My best friends Erica and Casey. They were there for me in so many ways. My team that stood beside me even when they had their own pain. The ones I still turn to with things.
• My boyfriends mother, she was my shoulder to cry on. She was my rock. She was my reasoning. She was what fueled my faith in God. To not give up. To fight. I’m so thankful for her.

July 2021 I am starting a new journey. I am thankful for my support. I am cancer free. I forgive the hateful people and I love myself more after all of this.

Much love, B

References:

• https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/molar-pregnancy/symptoms-causes/syc-20375175
• https://www.marchofdimes.org/complications/molar-pregnancy.aspx